I’m not stupid. I know that a people pleaser’s worst fear is to be called selfish. People pleasers rearrange their whole lives so they will not be regarded as selfish. Well, people pleaser, listen up: You. Are. Selfish. At least consider the possibility that you may have selfish, self-absorbed tendencies by reading and thinking about this.
People Pleasers are Selfish because they…
- Tend to make everything about themselves. Need some convincing on this one? Start by recalling all the times you apologized for things that couldn’t possibly be your fault. Like your spouse running late to an appointment or for not taking part in a work project that you weren’t even directly asked to participate in. Or maybe you spend a lot of time wringing your hands wondering if someone, even a stranger, is upset over something you may unknowingly have said or done?
- Are inclined to give only to get. Deep down inside a people pleaser believes doing for others buys them something. They usually expect to be rewarded for their kindness, mostly by appreciation, praise or security.
- Seldom, if ever, let others experience the joy of giving money or gifts or let others feel better about themselves by asking and letting them help.
- They hardly ever consider the long-term impact of what they say or do. They’re not interested in how their actions may affect someone else’s well-being down the road as long as it keeps the peace now. A people pleaser, for example, will give the boss exactly what he or she asked for, even if they know it’s not going to help the business advance. A people pleaser will encourage a friend to continue pursuing that unhealthy diet regimen because he or she believes it’s what their friend wants to hear.
- Would lie to avoid the consequences. An example would be lying when your husband asks if you went shopping to avoid his 5 minute lecture.
- Neglect people who love them to please strangers who really don’t care.
- Can carry on a relationship without actually involving the other person with things like, “I know what you will say” and “If I did this I know you will do that.”
- Let others make their decisions so they don’t have to take responsibility for them.
- Overpromise and then rarely communicate that they are running behind.
- Strongly believe they can do tasks faster and better than anyone else so they don’t give anyone a chance. Sharing their knowledge and teaching others how to do it well seldom enters their mind.
- Want to enable and fix everyone else’s lives but have little desire to fix their own.
If you got this far then one or more of those points must have clicked. Sometimes it takes looking at your worst fear and realizing its staring back at you to overcome this nasty habit of the need to please.
Other info on chronic niceness by Vickie Champion you might be interested is:
To stop the habit of being too nice, contact Vickie Champion for a discovery coaching and consulting session.