Archives for April 2012

This isn’t about the obvious REALLY toxic relationships. You know, the ones that are full of jealousy, abuse, overdependence, or manipulative and controlling behavior. I’ll leave that to the therapists.

Here are some not-so-obvious hints you have a bad relationship…

When you…

• Have a habit of blaming each other for one thing or another.
• Feel guilty and apologize at least once a month.
• Stay crazy busy most of the time.
• Repeatedly take things too seriously.
• Feel lonely and unconnected.
• Want your partner to appreciate you more.
• Find your friends and family avoid being around you and/or your partner.
• Have little disagreements here and there.
• Want to spend more and more time apart.
• Fear telling the truth about some things.
• Can list at least more cons than pros about your partner.
• Have excuses to stay with your partner, like for the sake of the kids or for financial reasons.
• No longer feel good about yourself.
• Have tried to make your partner “everything.”
• Don’t have much in common anymore.
• Change your looks, behaviors, and dreams just to please your partner.
• Go along with your partners decisions because it’s easier.
• Are defensive.
• Stay with them because they say they “I love you.”
• Don’t like the person you have become.
• Make problems with your partner a topic of conversation with your friends.
• Have loved ones suggesting you hire a life coach or get couples therapy.
• Find yourself compromising more than not.
• Feel trapped.
• Lack the willingness to forgive some things.
• Stop paying attention to how you feel.
• At timesdread seeing or talking to them.
• Make conscious sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.
• Feel you would be happier if your partner spoke or acted differently.
• Do things just to please your partner.
• Find yourself resenting other couples’ relationships.
• Don’t feel like it’s a 50/50 partnership.
• Let your partner hurt your feelings.
• Have gained weight, or picked up an unhealthy habit to relieve stress.

If you can identify with some of these bad relationship signs it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Or that you necessarily have a heap of self improvement work ahead of you. Sometimes you can change your relationships simply by changing the way you think. Truly!  And it can be done without making sacrifices or changing who you are.

If you need help on how to improve your relationship, contact Vickie Champion for a discovery coaching and consulting session.

Maybe things in your relationship could be better. And maybe your partner will come around to doing the things he or she ought to be doing. But first, are you? Are you sabotaging your relationship in small, insidious ways?

When you…

• Put expressing “I love you” on auto-pilot, saying it at least once a day.
• Over-apologize or expect your partner to.
• Bring up past mistakes.
• Strongly believe that a good relationship requires you to make sacrifices and compromises.
• Are too available.
• Never have an opinion on anything.
• Think about your body size, shape or the amount of wrinkles when making love.
• Hide the truth so you won’t hurt their feelings.
• Change your looks and behaviors only to please your partner.
• Let them make your decisions for you.
• Focus on what they are doing wrong and their faults.
• Stop communicating and expressing your thoughts and feelings.
• Spend more money than you have.
• Believe if your partner looked or acted differently you would be happier.
• Don’t take time to have fun and laugh together.
• Let days go by without saying a kind word or making a loving gesture.
• Expect your partner to fill a void in your life.
• Stop looking your partner in the eyes whenever possible.
• Take them for granted.
• Don’t practice tough love ever and allow them to remain in an unhealthy comfort zone.
• Ignore that your core values are not aligned.
• Try to numb yourself and pay very little attention to how you are feeling about anything.
• Tell white lies because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.
• Stop listening, or better yet, get such busy lives you just pass in the night.
• Are together too much, excluding friends and family.
• Believe the inability to get along with your partners friends and family has no effect on your relationship.
• Take your partners comments personally and make it a habit to be defensive about them.
• Complain to anybody who will listen about your partner.
• Confide only to your friends and family, excluding your partner entirely.
• Micro-manage your partner.
• Require your partner be faithful, but refuse to meet their sexual needs.
• Criticize your looks and actions daily.

Good relationships are joyful, comforting, inspiring, nurturing and a thousand other uplifting nouns.  And relationships — good or bad — help us grow. If you identified with some of these relationship-ruining habits you’re not perfect. That’s OK. But you may want to choose one or two areas to examine and even attempt to change so your relationship can strengthen and grow.

If you are ready to stop ruining your relationships, contact Vickie Champion for a discovery coaching and consulting session.